


Visions

by JAlexMac



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode Related, F/M, Feelings, Feelings Realization, Seasonal progression, Work In Progress, jc - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:47:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28576983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JAlexMac/pseuds/JAlexMac
Summary: Throughout their journey, Chakotay gives us his visions of Kathryn.
Comments: 40
Kudos: 31





	1. First Impressions

**Author's Note:**

> Can you guess what episode each chapter comes from? 
> 
> Have fun!!
> 
> I own nothing. Paramount/CBS owns all. Some dialogue borrowed for continuity purposes.

Her petite body presses against mine, and I have to try hard to maintain my cloak of anger. She is forceful yet diplomatic, chilly yet captivating. I can feel her energy surging through my veins. I turn away to save my own dignity. She voluntarily teams herself with me, and my heart races.

“Agreed?” Janeway turns, looking at me skeptically.

I can only shake my head in confirmation, overpowered by her commanding presence and her ravishingly blue eyes. Her orders feel natural and make sense to me, despite the obstinate face of the traitor Tom Paris staring back at me, and the shock of Tuvok being a spy. I should have known a Vulcan Maquis sympathizer was too good to be true. What kind of fool am I? She takes one more look at me before she pointedly stomps across the bridge of her ship, expecting me to follow. 

Following her is the least of my worries. Trying to take my eyes off of her beautiful shape, even through the uniform, and continuing to work towards our mutual goal has me taking deep breaths to control my body. There is no possible way in any other situation that I’d bow to her authority. She is Starfleet after all. Oh, who am I kidding, she had me hooked from the time she appeared on my view screen on the _Val Jean._ I can’t let her know that though, not now, maybe not ever. In the meantime, I stay glued to her side. We’ll find our people, and then work together to find a way out of this mess. As much as I hate the fact she was sent here to apprehend me and my crew, I’m honestly pleased that _she_ was the one chosen.

**

She mounts her hands on her hips, and stands tall in front of the old man that has apparently had his fill of us. Her ferocity is palpable, so I play the soft game opposite her hoping to help convince him. She joins me, and I can’t help but be happy. As much as I don’t want to trust her, I somehow do so unreservedly.

**

As we materialize on the surface of the desolate planet, things clearly aren’t what they seem. Finding a ragged and desperate people, I understand their need for an appearance of dominance. Does Janeway?

She taps her combadge with confidence, “Janeway to _Voyager,_ energize!”

Of course she understands, as she sits calmly in the sand awaiting the response from the leader of these...Kazon. Spirits, does she shine in the brightness of the natural sun. Golden strands reflect, as they sit staunchly tied back from her alabaster face. If we were alone… No. I can’t. I won’t. Thank the heavens that after a good ruse by our new friend Neelix, we manage to scrape out of danger again. Damn it, if she doesn’t look gorgeous holding a phaser though. ‘ _Stop it Chakotay! Get a hold of yourself!’_

**

I continue to follow Janeway, as Kes defies her own people, leading us to where Torres and Kim might be. Taking the lift, I let her on in front me, trying to truly show my gentlemanly side. I know she is just as concerned about her crewman as I am about mine, but something grips my heart when I see the emotion beneath her captain's facade. Kathryn Janeway is undeniably a leader, an officer, and dedicated to her people. However, it’s easy to see and feel her need to be fulfilled, accomplished, and on the right side of good. She would die for her people, as I would mine, and as the warm scent of her wafts past my nostrils, I can’t help but be moved by her existence.

As we make our way up the dilapidated stairwell, all I can think is that she better make it up there. I can take care of myself, as I know she can, but I won’t let anything happen to her here. More weapons fire from the array hits the surface, and the structure gives way underneath me. My leg snaps with a sickening crack as I fall backwards, but all I can focus on is her standing on the solid ground of the top landing. She jumps back down to check on me. _‘How did I end up here?’_

**

Back aboard the _Val Jean,_ Janeway calls me to tell me her plans.

“Janeway to Chakotay… Tuvok and I are beaming to the array. Can you hold off the Kazon?”

There is nothing I would fight harder for at this moment. I cannot seem to shake this feeling. We’ll get back home, of that I have no doubt, but right now all that concerns me is her welfare. The Kazon are bringing in reinforcements, so I have no choice but to sacrifice my ship and maybe myself. B’Elanna looks at me as though I’m crazy, but someday I’ll make her understand. 

**

Janeway’s crew managed to pull me back from imminent death in a split second, so maybe I misjudged them. I see the obvious disdain is Torres’ eyes, as Janeway makes her final decision. It takes nothing for me to set B’Elanna straight even as she lodges her protest openly. I still believe we’ll get back. 

“She’s the captain…” I have no hesitation explaining to my own crewman.

**

As Janeway strolls across the bridge, doing her best to build morale for this combined crew of exiled explorers, I’m still inspired by her presence. The uniform I’m now wearing feels constricting, but as I listen to her talk of all we have to come, the fabric loosens around my body. She stands in front of me, calling me by my new title, and I can’t help but put confidence in her words. We’ll get back, and I have no doubt there will be many experiences along the way. 

“Mr. Paris, set a course…for home.” Janeway stands slightly taller.

Maybe someday I’ll tell her. Tell her how at this very moment I vow to never leave her side. Tell her it’s my solemn duty to always make her burdens lighter. Tell her I will do whatever I can to make sure she _always_ comes first. Because if I’m honest with myself, this is the first time in my life I’ve ever felt authentic tangible peace.

  
  
  
  
  



	2. Lessons Learned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As time moves forward, so do Chakotay’s motivations.

These last few weeks have been only just shy of torture. The Kazon are determined to destroy us, but I swear through sheer force of will, our captain has managed to rally us to stay in one piece. I just cannot be discouraged with her around. I’ve found thus far that she needs convincing of her strength more often than not. I’m more than happy to be the one who makes her realize this. 

As another battle wages between us, I stay focused on her as she gives commands to the crew. The last jolt knocks her to the deck. Ayala picks her up, but if I was closer it would have been me. Reports are coming in from all over the ship, even from me, but there is nothing more important to me now than her.

**

I report to her ready room, and I instantly regret having to tell her of Crewman Bendera’s death. He was my colleague and friend, but I know she will add this to her list of guilts. This is the third death of a member of our crew in two weeks. I’m completely unsure of where we go from here. When she answers the door, I can clearly see the damage done, even as she tries to put on a neutral face. 

The Captain apologizes to me and asks me to perform Kurt’s memorial service. It’s clear she is feeling the loss just as keenly as I am, but as per usual tries to put up a wall to seal her true feelings from me. Her unwillingness to share with me makes it that much harder to voice my opinion with her, but I feel that I have to in our situation. 

When I start talking of the Maquis, the visible tensing of her body is alarming yet understandable. I’m only bringing up the subject, because we are both at a loss on how to proceed. It pains me that she still thinks of me as a renegade. It’s only been just over a year I know, but I will make her understand someday. She is my fight now, and however reckless, we will be triumphant. 

“I don’t think we can afford to keep doing business as usual.” My statement comes out more harshly than I intend, and I chide myself internally as I turn my back to leave her.

**

Kurt’s memorial is almost too painful. As I look to the faces of our crew, it’s clear to see the fear and doubt that stays constant with them on this journey. I feel her eyes burning into the side of my face while she listens to me speak. My pain is doubled as I feel emotion flowing from her like a current. If I could only take it from her. When I am finished, she looks to me with those striking eyes and reaches out to touch me. The comfort I probably shouldn’t feel runs freely through my entire being.

My ears begin to burn as I hear Hogan lash out at the Captain. She settles him as best she can, but her anger lies barely hidden beneath the surface. I can feel the change as she lashes out at me under her breath. Without hesitation I follow her, trying to make her understand. 

“I can’t believe you’d support that man’s position.”

She cuts me to the core. “I don’t, but isn’t there something between your position and his?” I can tell she wants to escape me, but instead she halts the lift and confronts me directly. All captain, all the time. Our conversation nearly falls to pieces before it begins. When I suggest an alliance, I fear she’ll write me off, but she listens, however skeptically. 

“As Captain, you’re responsible for making decisions in the best interest of your crew, and I think you have to ask yourself if you’re doing that.” I’ve just struck her deeply. The watering of her eyes and quivering of her jaw give her away, but I know in some part what I’ve said has gotten through. I am starting to recognize her underlying expressions, and I know in this moment that she is at least giving my idea some merit.

**

I must say when she summoned the senior officers to the conference room, I was not at all prepared to hear her say she was actually going to pursue an alliance. Admittedly, it’s hard for me to hold back the elation I feel. Maybe she’s finally starting to have real trust in me. I can only hope. 

Just as I start to feel comfortable, Harry has to bring up Seska, and God forbid B’Elanna backs him up. I hope my face isn’t turning the ten shades of red I feel burning through my insides. The Captain jumps onboard too. Where am I?

“You can’t have it both ways, Commander. If you want to get in the mud with the Kazon, you can’t start complaining that you might get dirty.”

Well, she certainly has me there. I don’t like the idea of her contacting Seska, but I can certainly understand why she doesn’t want _me_ to. I wish the situation were otherwise, and I swear if that evil woman tries anything… _‘Calm down, man.’_

When I see Seska’s face on the view screen it sickens me. But, I’m here for the woman in front of me, and I will always be behind her no matter what. I can tell from the way Janeway looks at me that she cannot believe her own actions. I would like to say that my idea was a helpful one, but even I am doubtful at this point.

**

When Neelix goes missing it’s like another hit below the belt. Every time she looks at me, I feel us moving backwards. She’ll never trust me if this goes awry. I watch her pace the bridge, hands nervously twitching behind her back. Why do I find her the most alluring in a crisis? _‘Focus, Chakotay!’_ The hail comes in just in the nick of time.

Neelix, my friend, I’ll have to thank you for this timely intervention later. Dinner with the Captain, guests or no, is something I’ve needed for a while. At this point just to be near her feels like progress. 

“It strikes me that in many ways we’re in the same predicament. Separated from the lives that we knew, searching for home.” She speaks to Mabus so eloquently, as always.

Janeway makes me realize, in her longing and staunch dedication for home, what it is to be more than just Maquis or Starfleet. I feel like a complete human with her. Sitting here listening to Mabus talk of the Trabe, the renegade in me sympathizes, but the man I am at this moment can only think of the black and red that adorns me. Am I becoming a changed man? I wonder.

**

Thus far out interactions with the Kazon have proved for naught, and now the Trabe have fallen into our laps. Janeway believes that people have the capacity to change, and I hope we can make something right of this. However, when Neelix breaks the news of possible terrorism, my resolves faulters. I try my hardest to get her to stay aboard _Voyager,_ but to no avail. 

“Commander, monitor all the Kazon vessels carefully, and look out for any suspicious ship movement near the surface. Keep us on a constant transporter lock, so we can beam out at the first hint of trouble.” 

She doesn’t realize what she’s asking me. I can’t protect her the way I want…no need to. I don’t like this at all and I want to go after her, but I stay planted here in her ready room until I know she’s left the ship. 

**

When she calls for an emergency beam out, my adrenaline pumps harder than I’ve ever felt. I should have trusted my instincts, but that’s neither here nor there now. When I lay eyes on her again, I have to shove my personal feelings aside. I can clearly see her self-doubt where no one else can through her rigid captains mask. I want nothing more than to reassure her, but I have to stand back and let her lead her people.

As she talks plainly about Federation principles and ideals, I see her strength physically manifest itself as her words fill the conference room. She is without a shadow of a doubt the captain of this ship, and I will follow her wherever she may go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 up soon!!


	3. Want vs. Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chakotay must be more careful...
> 
> Y’all having a good time naming these episodes yet???

Nearly two weeks on a shuttle out in the Nekrit Expanse is beginning to take its toll. As Ensign Kaplan and I try to make our way back to _Voyager,_ we’ve found ourselves roving in circles. This expanse with its ever-changing structure has thrown the entire crew for a loop. I thought I could come out here, find a quick route through this region and come back to the ship as Kathryn’s hero but it looks like I got ahead of myself, _again_.

“It’s a Federation hailing beacon, originating bearing 309 mark 4. It’s _Voyager._ ” Kaplan looks almost excited.

My hopes are almost up too, until I realize that the signal we detected is coming from the surface of a planet filled with lifeforms. There’s no sign of the ship either. I’m glad Ensign Kaplan is keeping her cool, because I have no idea what to make of this. Hearing the voice of the person sending the distress signal is alarming, especially when I hear the words ‘Federation vessel’. Who out here could possibly know us?

Leaving breadcrumbs for _Voyager,_ I have no choice but to set us down on this planet. We wander into what looks like the remnants of a war-torn society. Before we know it, we’re being ambushed by a random assortment of beings all bearing weapons. Kaplan steps in and single-handedly saves me from the first shot. A firefight ensues and out of the darkness, I’m blindsided. Just as I regain my footing and my weapon, I’m hit with the most intense pain I’ve felt in a long time. 

**

I wake up feeling as though I’m being crushed. The pain radiates through every part of me. I have no idea where I am, except for the bed beneath me, and the bright light above my head that makes the pain multiply. Then I hear her voice. _‘Kathryn?’_ No, it couldn’t possibly be. That isn’t her voice.

“Why did you attack us?” I ask the shadows.

I can’t make sense of this. Another human, not a part of our crew in the Delta Quadrant, it’s not possible. Now she tells me Ensign Kaplan—Marie, is dead. She saved me out there. How am I going to explain to Kathryn that another member of our crew was killed senselessly? I have to get out of here. I have to get back to the ship, but this pain. And this _Riley,_ trying to explain to me how she got here and where here is, it’s overwhelming.

“Why did those people kill Kaplan? We were no threat to them.”

Riley keeps telling me of all the species, many of them from the Alpha Quadrant that are here on this planet. What kind of beings simply kidnap members from other cultures and just dump them on a planet on the other side of the galaxy? I don’t understand. A cooperative of hundreds of species on a planet like this seems hard to believe.

**

As Riley shows me around the facility, I can’t help but be impressed with everything she and her group have managed to do here. I’m also extremely curious to know what’s outside these walls. When I broach the subject, Riley acts very strangely, only piquing my interest further. It’s not long before I find out why she’s keeping me in the dark. 

I follow the path she took to leave this structure and somehow manage to activate the door. The brightness is harsh at first. Getting out into the open air, the place looks very different in the light of day. I see everything Riley has told me about. People of every species imaginable working together, making repairs, and from the looks of it building a life here. I stalk around keeping myself out of sight, but that’s when the truth hits me with the force of a supernova. _‘Dropped here, huh?’_

Borg. These people were fucking Borg drones. My heart races at the thought. Spirits please let there not be more Borg out there hell bent on destruction. I have to get back to the ship, to Kathryn. I have to keep her safe. Riley’s compatriot spots me lurking and they all start to panic. I try my best to listen to their words, but the pain in my head takes over my body.

**

I hear Riley and her medic whispering. I know it's me they’re talking about, and the secrecy fills me with anxiety. If I hear them correctly through the loud pounding of pain, I will never ever let them assimilate me. “You want to hook up my mind to some Borg collective?” The very thought makes my skin crawl. Riley assures me it’s only to help me heal, but they’ve lied to me once already. Why should I believe them? 

“If we don’t do something to slow the neural degradation immediately, you will die.”

I cannot die here. I cannot die.

**

I wake up to a warm body pressing down on me. _‘Kathryn?’_ Damn it, it’s not her. Riley is begging me to join their collective, only temporarily, but I just don’t know that I can. 

“Any sign of _Voyager_?”

“No.”

I have to get back, so if this is what it takes, then that’s what I’ll do. I feel Riley’s arm in my grip, but I can only wish that it was Kathryn’s warm skin I was feeling. Orum puts the neurotranceiver on my neck, and I have to breathe deep to force away the revulsion I feel. Suddenly I’m surrounded by former drones. When their thoughts enter my mind, it’s the eeriest feeling I’ve ever experienced. Hearing the individual voices as they meld into one chorus is almost too much for me to handle. 

Eventually the harsh robotic chant turns to an harmonious chord, and the pain begins to dissipate. I see and feel pieces of everyone around me, and I feel I know them better than any beings I’ve ever known before. I see myself through Riley’s eyes while she stares at me, and wonder if Kathryn sees me that way too. When I wake again, the pain is gone and a feeling of relaxation lingers in the back of mind. Instinct forces me to reach for the back of my neck.

“Don’t worry it’s gone.” Riley assures me.

The sense of relief I feel at being severed from the cooperative is palpable, but for some reason when I look at Riley across the room I still feel her close to me. It was an incredible experience. Not one that I would volunteer for again, but nonetheless something special.

“You must have caught me staring.”

I certainly did, but I would never tell her because that would require explaining the true nature of what I saw. Riley hardly knows me and she finds me attractive. After everything I’ve been through with Kathryn, does she see anything like that? Could she possibly know how I feel? We've been back on _Voyager_ from that isolated planet for eleven months, and my longing to be close to her still grows stronger everyday.

Riley caresses her cheek and I feel it on mine. She does the same with her forearm, and it lights a fire that hasn’t burned for a long while. I have to admit it feels nice to have this tactile contact with another human, even if it’s not the one that I need. I’ll do everything I can to help Riley and her people, because they’ve done so much to help me. I encourage Riley to talk to Captain Janeway. I already know what she’ll say, but maybe if Riley explains and I back her, Kathryn will keep an open mind. 

**

It’s to no surprise of mine that Kathryn does listen to Riley objectively. She’s always the Captain that way, but as soon as the room is empty of everyone but us, her inevitable question comes with a hint of trepidation and some distaste for that which she sees on my face.

“Bottom line: Do you think we should do what they're asking?” I can feel her eyes burn into the side of my face and the warmth of her body close to me.

“I care about what happens to these people, so in my heart, I’d like to try and do everything we can to help them. But, if I were in your chair, I’d have to take other considerations into account.”

I knew it would come to this, and she’s right. It’s just hard to walk away not knowing what will happen to them. “I’ll let Riley know.”

**

I won’t lie and say it wasn’t hard to leave Riley on that planet, but we both knew it wasn’t meant to be. B’Elanna does her best to make me feel better on the trip back, and I appreciate her all the more for it. Just when I think we’re home free, I hear them again. All their voices, their thoughts, and I lose myself. The next thing I know I’m shooting my best friend and stealing a shuttle from my own ship.

I don’t want this. I don’t want to do this, but they’re making me. I can’t break free of their pull. It’s like I’m an observer watching from inside my own body. I’m inside the cube, and I hear my own crew coming after me. Please… I don’t want to hurt them. Make this stop. I shoot Tuvok, and Harry shoots me. Please let this be over. I input the final command, and before I fade away I hear the cube clicking back to life.

**

“Would you two please excuse us?” 

I feel an overwhelming sense of dread at Kathryn’s request. I’m not sure I’m ready to hear what words she has for me. I should have trusted my gut and not fallen in so easily with Riley and her people. Ultimately their intentions were good, but to use me like this is inexcusable. The feeling of connection was temporarily wonderful, and I let it distract me from my instincts.

“I don’t know what to say except…I’m sorry.” I feel like groveling at her feet.

She reassures me that she understands it wasn’t me in control on that cube. I don’t feel any better about what happened, but hearing her voice and having her near me again takes all that away. As always, I’m impressed by her powerfully intuitive and forgiving nature. I hope like many others, this is a hurdle we can easily get over. Kathryn has developed a lasting trust in me, and I would die before I purposefully gave her a reason to stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tiny tidbit: This episode was directed by Robert Duncan McNeill!
> 
> Stay tuned for chapter 4:)


	4. So Close, Yet So Far...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As time marches on, Chakotay takes stock of his own admissions.

The light in her eyes when she hears the words  _ ‘Starfleet Command’  _ is overwhelmingly beautiful, but I have to keep her grounded. Harry is excited enough, we can’t afford to have everyone flying off the rails. Naturally  _ all _ of the bridge crew begins to imagine the possible implications of this communique.

“This kind of speculation can be intriguing, but be careful about setting yourselves up to be disappointed.”

That’s my Kathryn. I should have known I didn’t really have to worry with her, but I know she wants to get home more than anyone. As I hear her behind me comforting Harry, I can’t help but feel warm at the absolute mother she has become to this crew. In the beginning I never would have imagined it, but after four years we have truly become a family.

The ship begins to shake and Kathryn jumps to figure out the cause. I can’t help but stare at her form as she moves across the bridge. The more time that passes, the more I long for her, but I know I can’t here. Maybe we’ll get home soon, and I can tell her how I feel.

**

We approach the relay station, and it’s hard to believe the sight before us. This thing looks ancient, but the technology belies its age. I tell Kathryn that we’re as close as we can get, and I hear the enthusiasm in her voice while she’s down in Astrometrics with Seven. I pray for her sake that something, anything, comes from this. I know the crew could use the encouragement, but more so their captain.

Before long, Neelix begins distributing letters around the ship. When he comes to the bridge, I never expect him to have anything for  _ me _ . He gives me the letter and I hope to see words from my sister, but when I activate the PADD and see Sveta’s name, my body seizes. I can’t read this here with everyone watching. I escape to Kathryn’s ready room with a quickness. Reading Sveta’s words, my world stops. I’m glad I chose to read it here, because the lingering smell of Kathryn brings me comfort when it feels as though I’ve died.

**

I leave the bridge for engineering, and can’t see a thing as I move. B’Elanna has to know of this, although it pains me even more to tell her. We fought so hard before we ended up on  _ Voyager _ , and I feel as though our existence has somehow ended. 

“Chakotay, what is it?” B’Elanna’s eyes plead with me.

“I read that letter for an hour before I could accept it, and now I have to tell everyone else.”

Her anger is clearly not unexpected. But I had to tell her. Everything we fought for is gone, and we have no way to change it. Grieving is all we can do now. I hope the rest of the crew, especially Kathryn, gets better news than I did.

**

I enter her ready room feeling much more like myself. It’s probably just the fact that I get to be close to her, which is what I need right now more than anything. Of course, she welcomes my news of Tuvok and Seven’s success with the data stream, but there is clearly something more. She is neck deep in research of the relay station, and I can tell how her scientist's mind is working in overdrive.

“This is the kind of archeological puzzle that’s always fascinated me.”

I can’t help but smile at her almost childlike enthusiasm. She captivates me, but somehow I feel like I’m missing something. She offers me coffee, and I say no, praying that what I am about to ask won’t be crossing the line.

“You haven’t mentioned your letter. Who was it from?”

So personal, I know. I just want to hear that she got some good news. She deserves it.

“It was from Mark, the man I was engaged to. He told me about the litter of puppies my dog had, how he found homes for them. How devastated he was when  _ Voyager  _ was lost… how he held out hopes we were alive longer than most people did…until he realized he was clinging to a fantasy. So, he began living his life again, meeting people, letting go of the past. About four months ago, he married a woman who works with him. He’s very happy.”

I honestly didn’t think I could feel worse on this day, but hearing the sadness in her voice, my heart is shattered all over again. God, if I could only reach out and touch her. I would make her realize that although that relationship is gone, there is another standing right in front of her. She’d never let me say it, but there is no possible way she can prevent me from thinking it.

“Kim to the Captain.”

Harry’s call comes just in the nick of time. Three seconds more of her staring at me with those sad ocean eyes, and I couldn’t be certain I would have held myself back. Now we have to focus on finding Tuvok and Seven. A welcome distraction. 

**

“We don’t run.”

Every time I hear her talk like that it makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I don’t know how she does it. These Hirogen have proved themselves stubborn and arrogant already, but she doesn’t show any form of intimidation. How we got lucky enough to have her as captain… nevermind, I’m not going to question my good fortune.

“Maybe we can use that quantum singularity to our advantage.”

I know what she’s got up her sleeve, but I don’t know that I like it. However, I do recognize the need to get ourselves out of the way of more enemy fire and get our people back. We’ve been through this so many times. Kathryn amazes me with her ability to bury her own personal dilemma, and jump in like a steeled warrior to keep control of her ship.

“Do it.”

She gives that command, although I’m focused on the happenings around me, I still feel the prickle of my skin beneath the uniform. Just as quickly as the thought crosses my mind, The Hirogen start firing on us. 

“Their weapons are destabilizing the containment field.” I shout at her back.

She does her best to convince the stubborn conquerors to stand down, but no luck. We have to switch our focus solely to our two captured crewman. I feel like I keep feeding her all the negatives, but we have to do this now.  _ ‘Come on, Harry.’  _

“I’ve got them! They’re in Transporter Room 2.”

Thank the spirits. Now, if we can just get ourselves out of here. Kathryn forces Harry to push beyond his training, and as per usual, she’s right. 

**

After the noise calms, I enter her ready room to find her with Tuvok. She looks drained and quite rattled. Of course I’ve come to assure her that we’ll be ok, but some part of me thinks she knows my ulterior motive. 

“You know you drink too much of that stuff.”

“Really?”

She knows I keep tabs on her, and that it’s only because I care. I can feel the worry radiating from her as she sits next to me. Of course, she tells me that it’s all about the crew, but I know better.

“How are you doing?”

“Me? I’m fine.”

She would absolutely say that if she’s just had her legs torn off. I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. Kathryn Janeway never cuts herself any slack, and I’m going to make sure she does if it’s the last thing I do in this life. 

“It’s alright, you can say it,” her voice drops to a painful whisper. “On top of all that, I got a “Dear John” letter.”

Her admission of using her former fiancé as a safety net, makes my heart swell and bleed at the same time. After all we’ve gone through together, I’ve managed to keep myself in check. But, right now at this moment, I’ve never wanted to reach out to her more. For perhaps if I did, she would remember and feel my longing to continue keeping my promise to her. If she would only let me circle my arms around her, she would know what our distance and somehow simultaneous closeness has caused to fester and boil in my soul.

“You’re hardly alone.”

There she goes again. Spirits, if she only knew. I will go to my grave never allowing her to be forsaken. She may never realize it, but I will. When Neelix calls, you can practically touch her sense of relief. I have a feeling that she will continue to avoid conversations like this, especially in light of what happened. 

As we stand together and head for the party, I offer my arm to her, and she accepts with that gorgeous toothy grin across her face. I only wish I had some power to transfer my feelings for her through just a simple touch. More than any other day we’ve had thus far along this journey, do I want to look straight into her eyes and tell her, I love you, Kathryn Janeway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 5 coming soon.


	5. Don’t Believe Your Eyes...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the journey continues... Chakotay struggles.

This is insanity. I feel like I’m really standing on the grounds of Starfleet Headquarters, although clearly I know I’m still in the Delta Quadrant. I feel like I’m Doc, snapping holographs like a crazed tourist. I’ve got to let Kathryn and our team see this though. Who would want to do this? 

I’m trying my hardest to keep incognito, but it’s difficult when you’re actually what everyone around you is trying to imitate. Boothby finds me scanning, and I have to think on my feet. I can’t tell if he seems to buy my story, or if he’s trying to sniff me out. I guess that remains to be seen.

I have to be careful or I could get lost here. It’s been a long while since I set foot on these grounds, or the real ones at least. Even as a fabrication, it certainly brings back some memories. 

“You’re in my seat.”

I’m approached by another commander. Valerie Archer, she calls herself. She certainly is striking, but I can’t help but compare her to Kathryn. Seems as though she’s trying to vet me as well. I return the favor, and she gives me her full history. Sounds convincing enough, but she has no idea I’m already ahead of her.

A loud crash distracts us from our conversation. I’m shocked by what I’m witnessing, but I have to keep a straight face. What the hell is going on? 

“Have you ever reverted?”

I play her off, but she appears disturbed by what’s just happened. All this talk of remaining human, has me questioning myself more as the minutes tick by. I have to figure out what species they are and quickly. Valerie offers to show me around. And of course, like the walking talking wowser that he is, Tuvok shows up right on time. I make no solid promises to Valerie, but Tuvok naturally has to put his two cents in. In a haste, we make our way to the transport coordinates. We’re nearly free, when we apparently wander into forbidden territory. Ok I take it back, sometimes it’s crucial to have Tuvok on your side.

“Chakotay to Paris, three to beam up.”

**

Kathryn is none too happy when we return with this forgery. She joins me in sickbay and I can feel the loathing dripping from her. She doesn’t hesitate to question our guest.

“Welcome aboard.”

The way she looks at me while listening to this imposter spout his training materials, lets me know she’s teetering on the edge of impatience. I can’t believe what we just witnessed. Whatever this species is, he just killed himself right in front of us. She looks at me again, and I have no answer for her, but dammit I’m going to find out.

I show her all the holoimages I managed to get, and she stops suddenly on the picture of Boothby. It clues her into the vast amount of knowledge these people have discovered about us. Looking at their technology, it seems that it is they who are well ahead of us. The Doctor calls, and the news doesn’t at all seem encouraging.

“We should prepare for the worst.” Kathryn obviously feels the same.

**

It seems she was right about preparing for the worst.

“Species 8472. The question is, why are they training to pose as human beings?” 

The speculation of what their plans are fills the room with tension. Kathryn jumps to put plans together, but clearly doesn’t take pleasure in the fact that I made contact with one of them. She agrees to let me try, and I immediately know she’s keeping a clear head on this one.

“I don’t have to remind you that we have no way to warn Starfleet Command.”

I can clearly see where no one else can, that this is killing her. I have to do everything I can. Stay with me on this Kathryn. 

**

“Last minute preparations?”

I can’t see her as she breaks the threshold of Astrometrics, but I can feel her contempt for what I’m about to attempt. Suddenly she relaxes, and begins reminiscing about home. Quickly, I understand she’s doing the same thing to me 8472 was doing in that habitat. Part of me wants to shake her, but thinking twice I get it. I always jump to thinking she doesn’t trust me again, but my rational mind kicks me into thinking otherwise.

“Don’t feel singled out…”

I can’t help it when it comes to you and me, Kathryn. When the scans come out clean, I hate myself for wanting to say I told you so. She tries to joke with me, as I leave to keep my date, but she should know by now I can see right through her.

On the way back to the habitat, I’m stuck with our two resident cut-ups. Of course they would make fun of me. I have to remember to stop allowing Harry to spend so much time with Tom. Ah hell, it’s way too late for that now. I appreciate them pretending to not notice how I feel about their Captain. 

**

I walk into the bar to find Valerie talking with Boothby. It’s instantly clear I caught them in the middle of something. I’m going to have to be careful. 

“Think about what I said young lady, you’ll be fine.”

She feeds me more lines about her next post. I’m very intrigued as to where this is going. I just have to try and play my cards right. She offers to take me dancing at the Vulcan nightclub. This certainly ought to be interesting.

Valerie takes me home with her, and I’m getting to the point where I don’t feel so comfortable any longer. She’s gotten really good at impersonation. If I took that drink from her, I could let myself slip. She tells me all about her opinions of humans. We sound so rudimentary, but if she really knew all she thought she did, she truly has no idea of our complexities. 

When she leaves me alone, it’s difficult not to dive into the parts of this place that clearly aren’t meant to replicate Starfleet. I have to take advantage of this opportunity. I get what I can, but she’s so close it’s tough. When I see her give herself that injection, I’m almost distracted by her well imitated thigh, but then I see her for what she is and I’m revolted.

“How do you like the view?”

God Kathryn, forgive me for this. I finally get Valerie to give up some of their plans, and it’s just as daunting as we assumed. I don’t know if we’ll be able to pull this off, but we have to stop this and soon. I almost give her enough ammunition to call me out. When I make my break, she follows me. She’s talking about human rituals again, but I don’t want this one. She leans into me, and I know I have to put on a good performance. It repulses me to do it, but it’s been a long time since I’ve kissed anyone. So, I just imagine it’s Kathryn in front of me.

As I make my way across the grounds, I think I’m in the clear, but suddenly night turns to day. They’re coming after me now. I try to get back to the Delta flyer, but it’s too late. 8472 is on to me. Suddenly I’m surrounded, and they’ve got me in their grips.

**

“I thought you had a tactical report to finish.”

They know every detail about me, and it makes my insides shudder. Somehow they brought themselves to believe we had a fleet out here, and when I tell them we’re a fleet on one, it’s obvious they’re skeptical. When _Voyager_ shows up, it’s all I can do not to audibly thank the spirits. For all their advanced technology, these aliens actually thought we had a way to contact the Alpha Quadrant and start a war with them. I guess that was one important detail they looked over. This should teach them not to think so highly of themselves.

“You’re afraid of us, aren’t you?” I almost bark at her.

Valerie suddenly loses her want to talk so much. They are literally scared of us. I’m doing my best to convince her, but she can’t bring herself to listen. I quote Shaw for her. She knows exactly what I’m talking about, but when an alarm blares, there is no more time for philosophy.

**

Hearing Kathryn standing for what she believes in, and what I now believe in again, I can’t help but be thrilled to be the one second to only her. 

“They think the Federation is a hostile invasion force, out to destroy their species.” I do my best to back her up.

She gives them all the information they need, but they still don’t want to listen. Until she reaches deep in the depths of her skills as a diplomat. Seven of Nine resists, but Kathryn will have her way. She lays down our story, point blank, and has answers for every question they can throw at her. When 8472 starts to dance, I jump in to bridge the gap.

“Archer’s right. We’ve got to set aside our preconceptions about each other…”

It appears after all that, we managed to get through to them. While I feel in a way I betrayed my promise to Kathryn, in the end it served its purpose. We actually managed to negotiate with a species that only hours ago, was ready to wipe us out of existence. Valerie kisses me goodbye, and I have to admit it feels differently now that we don’t hate each other. But, I’ll take it for what it is, a good feeling and nothing more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6 on the way!


	6. How Much Is Too Much?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chakotay and Kathryn second guess themselves.

I still relish dinners spent with Kathryn. Every time we get together like this, I can almost imagine what our private life would be like, if we could truly share one that is. She makes me laugh, and I love to watch her attempts at cooking. Truth be told, she’s gotten much better and rarely fights with the replicator anymore. That doesn’t mean I won’t still tease her mercilessly. I hope I can keep that privilege. However, with everything that has gone on in the last year, especially the fiasco with the  _ Equinox _ , I feel like even her friendship is slipping away from me.

“So what is this bizarre rumor I heard about half the crew on deck 5 getting pregnant?”

Leave it to Tom Paris to start an all out war of speculation. When it’s harmless like that, it’s nothing if not absolutely humorous. The dynamic of the family we have built on this ship never ceases to amaze me, even when some of our trouble children start rumors. If it can lead to shared laughs, I’m all for it. I ask her about checking out a nebula, and she feigns surprised. She knows me well. It thrills me to no end, especially when she gives me that coy lopsided grin.

“We are explorers, remember?”

The computer chirps, and she jumps up excitedly.

“A recipe I’ve never tried before.” She smiles devilishly, raising that delicious eyebrow, “but we are explorers, remember?”

**

Seven has apparently become quite the base of knowledge. Leading Kathryn and B’Elanna to a pair of photonic fleas simply by assimilating parts of the ships database is impressive. It should be interesting to see where this leads.

I don’t get my nebula, but following the graviton fluctuations Kathryn discovered to this contraption we’ve come upon, seems to bring with it some interesting possibilities. Tash and his catapult seem too good to be true. I see that hopeful light in Kathryn’s eyes again. 

“If you’re successful, and I’m satisfied that a jump would be safe for  _ Voyager _ , then we’ll take you up on that offer, thank you.”

Definitely an explorer she is. The perfect blend of captain and scientist. Well, all we can do now is get to work and hope that our efforts are fruitful.

**

We finish helping Tash, and set to make the test run. Just as he disappears through the catapult, Seven calls me to Astrometrics. When I enter she seals the doors, and programs security protocols. My heart rate picks up. 

“I believe  _ Voyager  _ presence in the Delta Quadrant is no accident. You and the crew have been stranded here intentionally.”

What the hell is she talking about? And then she tells it’s because of Kathryn that we’ve spent nearly six years out here. Seven better have some damn good evidence, because my blood is already boiling at her outrageous accusations. Kathryn would never participate in such a traitorous plot.

I listen to Seven’s musings, and at every turn I do my damnedest to defend Kathryn. The more I counter Seven, the more evidence she gives me. All of this seems circumstantial, but she’s getting into my head. Maybe I’ll just do a little digging myself. I don’t want to, but now I’m wondering. When I get back to the bridge, we finally hear back from Tash. He says he made it five thousand light years. Kathryn seems thrilled, but now I’m involuntarily suspicious. 

I shouldn’t involve B’Elanna, but I need to confide in someone I can trust. God, I don’t even want to hear these words from my own mouth, but I have to know the truth for the sake of everyone.

**

Kathryn walks in on me scanning Seven’s alcove. She’s wearing her sidearm, just as I am. I can feel the apprehension she carries, but then again I’m not sure I know her at all that well any longer. How did we get here? This isn’t us at all.

“You should be careful. Somebody might think you were trying to delete a few files.”

I could say the same to her, but I let the chance slip by. As we talk, we quickly discover that Seven has baited us both. Same evidence, two different theories. What have we done? What about a former Borg’s suppositions made us throw everything we know and feel right out the airlock? An overwhelming sense of relief floods my body.

“Chakotay, let’s leave this one out of our logs, huh?”

She touches me as she always does, and I feel like a fool. Making our way to the bridge, I can’t help but wonder if she’s feeling anything like I am. She decides to go after Seven, and I try to go along, but she insists on going alone. Typical Kathryn, but I have to run my big mouth. She lovingly sets me straight.

When we find ourselves in her quarters again, I have to admit I’m thankful, even comforted. Even as tumultuously as our relationship started, it’s shocking to me how we slipped back into distrusting each other so easily. I can tell that she feels it too. I know she blames herself as much as I do, increased exponentially by her closeness with Seven. I can’t help but grin at her, as she reminds me just exactly how far we’ve come together.

“You didn’t poison the coffee, did you?”

“Not any more than I usually do.”

At least as we leave this trial behind, she is able to give me that beautiful confident smile again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7 on the way!! Just 2 more to go:)


	7. Putting the Pieces Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes a reminder is all you need.

Another shift complete, another dinner with Kathryn. There is a spring in my step, as I enter the cargo bay in search of one of the few remaining bottles of Antarian Cider. Sharing my treasures with her only serves to make them more precious. Icheb gives me inside information, and I’m grateful for the tip. He’ll certainly go far in Starfleet someday. Meanwhile, I hope he follows through on hiding those bottles. Anything Neelix can lay his Talaxian hands on is fair game in his opinion, and I refuse to give up the last of these spoils.

Entering Kathryn’s quarters, I’m not at all surprised to find the sight before me. I seem to remember a while back; I gave her credit for improving her cooking skills. Tonight is  _ not _ one of those nights. I pour her a glass of cider, and try hard not to chuckle at her sitting on the floor surrounded by replicator parts. She is the most beautiful technician I’ve seen in a long while though.

“Once, a long time ago, I called this replicator a glorified toaster. It never forgave me.”

We laugh together for a brief moment before the ship is hit by some unknown force. Kathryn is instantly on her combadge. Harry tells us we’ve hit some gravimetric surge, and she and I are on our way to the bridge before the conversation has ended. As we make our way to the turbolift, the warp core begins to destabilize. I don’t think twice before leaving Kathryn to get to the bottom of the issue. Engineering is in chaos. Before I’m really able to get started, the core fully destabilizes. While B’Elanna evacuates her crew, I have to try and stop it. I get nowhere before I’m hit with a surge of energy.

**

Waking up in sickbay is always disturbing. However, when you come back to consciousness with The Doctor lording over you and finding out that parts of your body were in multiple timelines, it’s not fun. To add insult to injury, Doc is feeling particularly sorry for himself. I haven’t seen him this low since his mobile emitter was stolen. I have to get back to the crew, and I have to take Doc with me.

“Where is your mobile emitter?”

He clearly has no idea what I’m talking about. I have to find out what is going on, and I have to find Kathryn. As I take the lift to the bridge I run into some type of displacement wave. The medkit in my hand disappears, and I’m even more clueless. The Bridge looks somehow different when I arrive. I stop Harry, but he doesn’t recognize me. Then I see her. “Kathryn?” She doesn’t recognize me either, but I know even this version of her. She treats me like the renegade I was all those years ago, but I can’t take my eyes off of her hair. Spirits, how I used to want to run my fingers through those long beautiful tresses.  _ ‘Stop it, Chakotay.’ _

I know what a fight it’s going to be to convince her I’m telling the truth. Even in all these years, I haven’t forgotten her forceful spirit from those first few months. Makes me all the more motivated to get back to my own time, and my own version of Kathryn. Andrews and another security officer I never had the chance to meet drag me toward the brig. Just as I anticipate, as soon as the lift drops decks, they vanish into thin air. 

I alter my course and head for the sight of the start of this disaster. When I enter engineering, my worst nightmare greets me, Seska. When I come to, I just can’t place everything that has happened. A few minutes ago I was with The Doctor, without his mobile emitter. I just saw Kathryn from seven years ago, and now a woman who is supposed to be dead is standing right in front of me. What the hell?

I can’t let Seska control any part of the ship in any timeline. We’ve been through this. I have to figure out what’s going on. I manage to fight back and make my way to the upper level of engineering. Perfect, I discover another barrier and Seska can’t see me. I have to get back to sickbay and quickly.

**

“If you tell me the stardate.”

When Doc tells me the date everything begins to fall together. The ship is in temporal pieces just like I was. I haven’t the faintest idea how to fix this, but I will find a way. It dawns on me that the serum Doc gave me must be the reason I can jump between time periods. 

“Can you replicate a chroniton infused hypospray casing?”

Doc seems confused, but knows he can do what I’ve asked. If I’m going to fix this mess, I have to have help. I know just the person for the job. If only I can get her to cooperate. I head back to the bridge and pray that she’ll listen to me. Of course when I arrive, she’s immediately on her guard. I try to convince her by telling her things only someone who knows her intimately would know, but no surprise she finds a way to combat my claims. 

After a while she begins to falter, and I know I’m getting in. However, it’s never that easy with Kathryn. We go to her ready room, and she listens to my story. Scanning and rescanning the chroniton serum, she rebukes everything I’ve told her.

“A good lie is easier to believe than the truth.”

She’s not wrong about that, but in this case I have to get her to believe. I take the opportunity afforded me by her distraction of giving orders, and pretend to kidnap her with the hypospray. My Kathryn would kill me for such a thing, but I know I can get her to understand. If I can just get her out of this room and into the corridor, she’ll see. As I drag her backwards, I can’t help but enjoy the feel of her body pressed against me. Spirits help me.

I finally get the serum into her, and take her with me across the barrier. Ever the scientist, she still tries to deny what she’s seeing. Kathryn finally gives in, and although I can feel the anger dripping from her, belief begins to take hold. 

“You just have to trust me.”

“It isn’t easy when you’re holding me hostage.”

She tries to make her stand, but I have to remind her that without me, she knows nothing of what she’ll be getting into. I lead her towards Astrometrics, and she can’t believe what she’s hearing. I almost want to laugh, as her disbelief clearly shows on her beautiful face. I thought I might lose her again when I said the word “Borg”, but she has no idea how far these incidents go. That’s even more clear when we find the ship at red alert, as we step off the turbolift. I hate to reveal so much to her at once, but it’s necessary.

**

Even I’m surprised when we enter the lab to find a much older Naomi and Icheb than even I’m used to. I’m also overwhelmed to hear that in their time Kathryn and I are both dead. I have to refocus. Explaining to our two generational crew members what’s going on proves to be helpful. They already know of the problem, and have been working with their future advancements to try and fix it. Unfortunately, they haven’t had any more luck than we have. Kathryn is clearly overwhelmed, but we have to keep pushing. Naomi suggests Seven’s help, but we have to find her first. Kathryn looks as though she’s beginning to accept our situation, and then questions Naomi about her mother. It’s a beautiful thing, watching her begin to realize what we’ve accomplished on this ship. As we leave, Icheb reaches out.

“I never told Neelix where you hid that cider.”

I knew that kid would go far. Now, if we can just fix this, our lives can continue. I resist the urge to grab Kathryn and hold her, as she sees the cargo bay full of Borg. I know this can’t be easy for her. We find Seven, and the tension I feel from her radiates between our bodies. As expected, Seven gives us the solution we’re looking for. Now, we just have to figure out how to make it happen. 

Suddenly Kathryn, ever the scientist, comes up with a method of application. It’s times like these that I fall for her all over again. Of course, after all of this, she has to doubt her ability. Don’t worry Kathryn, you’ll see. I quote a passage from Dante’s Inferno, and again her mind is blown. I come close to giving away too much, but I only let her in a little.

“A soldier and a philosopher. Your intelligence file doesn’t do you justice.”

There’s my Kathryn, or at least she will be mine, someday I hope. We make it back to sickbay, and Doc arms us with all the serum we need to get this job done. I make the mistake of leaving him with her, and now I’m extremely fearful of losing the trust we’ve built. 

“The  _ Delta Quadrant _ ? Is that what he was about to say?”

I completely ignore her question, and I know it infuriates her. She tries to split from me, but there is no way I’m going to let that happen. I tell her it’s my job to protect her, and she has no idea of my underlying meaning. It takes a little convincing of course, but eventually she follows me. It’s no surprise that her curiosity gets the better of her as we work, so I fill her in on small bits and pieces, but I try to leave as much as possible open to speculation. 

When the macro virus comes after us, I come close to losing her again, and I can see the doubt building in her brow. I do my usual job of reinforcing her confidence. Any Kathryn Janeway would make me do the same. Coming onto the holodeck, I have to stifle my laughter. Explaining Captain Proton to Kathryn is far harder than telling her how we got to the Delta Quadrant. When we encounter Doctor Chaotica, it’s all I can do not to break down, but Kathryn follows my instructions and we’re able to move on quickly. I’ll give her this, she’s quick on the improvisation.

**

I knew this could happen, but I’m not at all prepared when we happen up on B’Elanna and Mike in the transporter room. This is just something else I’m going to have to justify to Kathryn. Luckily this B’Elanna remembers the trust in our relationship and let’s me do what I need to do. Besides that, naturally Kathryn caught on to being blamed for being stranded out here. I’m going to have to think quick if I’m to fix this one. 

In the mess hall, it’s almost comforting to find crew from my own timeframe. That is, until I take stock of what’s happening. The mess hall is being used as a triage unit, as we so often do in times of crisis. Tom is doing his best to help everyone here, but the outlook is quite grim. I think about stepping in when Neelix brings coffee to Kathryn, but when I hear how much he encourages her, I change my mind. It’s nice for her to see that everyone truly loves her. 

“Captain.” Tuvok’s weary voice beckons.

I can’t handle the desperation in her voice or on her face as she holds his hand. I know we’ll get this fixed, Kathryn. Just hang on with me a little longer. Tuvok dies in front of us, and I long to hold her again. When we enter the turbolift, I get the reaction I was expecting. She doubts herself and everything she has seen thus far. She’s already blaming herself and carrying the guilt, even though this version of her hasn’t done anything yet. I want to reach out to her. I want to place my palm against hers and remind her that she has never been alone in this, but she doesn’t know that yet.

I have to put my foot down and set her straight. She doesn’t understand the implications of what she’s saying. Screw it, I have to let her in on what we’ve done here. I have to make her understand the family we’ve built. More than anything I want to let her know how much I love her, but that would be going too far. Feel it from me Kathryn, please. 

“And they’ll all be following a captain who sets a course for Earth, and never stops believing that we’ll get there.”

I couldn’t be more thrilled when she finally gets at least some of my meaning. We get back to our task, and I take some comfort in the fact that  _ this _ Kathryn, from all those years ago, already trusts me. It’s a good thing, because I have to introduce her to Seska now. What an embarrassment. 

Of course the meeting goes just as I anticipated. For a few precious seconds, I feel like Seska might actually listen to reason, but of course she proves me wrong as always. Luckily, I’ve got a Janeway on my side. Seska doesn’t know that yet, and that’s completely to my advantage. She tries to intimidate me, and use my earlier words against me. Well sorry Seska, you’ve got another thing coming. 

“Sorry, that’s not the future I have in mind.”

Absolutely not. My future involves that gorgeous redhead that’s about to destroy your little coup. And right on cue, past Harry and current Tom drop in for a little fight. No surprise at all that Kathryn’s plan involved uniting crew members from every timeline. My God she has a talent for bringing people together even across temporal displacements. 

Seska has to give her plan one last go, before we can end this. She doesn’t realize that Kathryn has pulled out all the stops, and even Seven of Nine is somehow onboard to help us. Our entire makeshift crew steps up to get the timeline restored. It shakes me to the core to watch her give this final speech with instructions to everyone. I feel like I never left my own timeframe.

“Mind if I ask you one last question?”

I can’t believe the next words that come out of her mouth. She clearly has no idea the exponential implications of what she’s asking me, and I want so badly to tell her my truth even though I know I can’t. 

“Let’s just say there are some barriers we never cross.”

The look on her face tells me she was clearly hoping I would say otherwise. Maybe this is me being full of myself, but that look gives me more hope than I ever had before. I want to… no…I need to tell her how I feel, but I know that I can’t. She shakes my hand, and I pray that if I can get back to my Kathryn, that I can continue my journey to make her feel my love.

**

“Do you mind telling me why B’Elanna burned out the deflector dish?”

I easily admit to her that it was me who did that. Kathryn hates it when I pull the temporal prime directive card for not telling her why. Hearing my Kathryn’s voice again is all the motivation I need to take her obstinance in stride. 

“What do you say we finish our dinner?”

She is beautiful when she reminisces. I can’t send enough thanks to whatever being is watching us out here for getting me back to her. I know I can never tell her of everything that happened, but that falls along the same lines as not being able to drop to my knees right here in her quarters, and ask her to marry me. Someday I will have this woman as my own. 

“Then maybe you should go to the cargo bay and grab another one.”

I can’t believe her. Yes I can. I will have you someday, Kathryn Janeway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finale Chapter up next!


	8. Denouement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Culmination. Chakotay and Kathryn. Always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well Folks... you made it to the end and I’m so grateful for you sticking with me. I’m sure you easily figured them all out but here is your list of episodes for the first seven chapters... Eight is all original, by me for you.
> 
> Chapter 1 - Caretaker  
> Chapter 2 - Alliances  
> Chapter 3 - Unity  
> Chapter 4 - Hunters  
> Chapter 5 - In the Flesh  
> Chapter 6 - The Voyager Conspiracy  
> Chapter 7 - Shattered
> 
> I also made a video to accompany Chapter 8:
> 
> [Janeway/ChakotayVisions](https://youtu.be/jd7Pi8r3F8g/)

_No one makes me feel the way you do inside  
_ _And I don't know what I would do without you and that's no lie  
_ _If I die, I'd hope to find you in another life  
_ _So we could fall again  
_ _Be the way we were when we first began  
_ _Like the first time that I ever saw you smile  
_ _I want that feeling again  
_ _Let's be the way we were when we first began_

_Yes, we've got something special, let's hope  
_ _Hold on and don't let go  
_ _And I'll never find another like you and this I know_

_If I die, I'd hope to find you in another life  
_ _So we could fall again  
_ _Let's be the way we were when we first began  
_ _Like the first time that I ever saw you smile  
_ _I want that feeling again  
_ _Let's be the way we were when we first began_

-PJ Morton— _First Began_

———————————————————————-

All those moments aboard _Voyager_ seem like just yesterday, but my goodness has time moved quickly. I’ve been married to Kathryn for over thirty years now, and our time on that ship still stays fresh in my mind. That ship brought us together. That ship was nearly our end. She let go of me there. Spirits, how I thought for a second I could ever live without her, I will never know. She loved me enough to sacrifice herself not once but twice. I stupidly walked away at her wish, but all for naught. Thank heavens I came to my senses, and my dear sweet Kathryn let me back in.

She played that song for me years ago. We had an argument and lasted about two hours in separate rooms of the house, before she quietly crawled in the guest bed with me. We could never stay mad at each other long. I’ve always loved that about her. She is just as stubborn as me, but loved me enough to actually admit her fault. She taught me to do the same. I could never ever be angry with her.

That night she was upset because I didn’t react as she had expected to a project she had been working on. I tried my hardest to defend myself, but the point was moot. When she crawled in bed with me later, I could feel the hot tears falling from her eyes, soaking the skin of my neck. She whispered soft apologies thinking I was asleep. I had to immediately turn to her and assure her that nothing had changed between us, that I loved her, and that everything was ok. Kathryn cried harder and held to me tightly. As I felt the movement of our daughter between us, I could do nothing but smile. It was at that moment that I quickly learned what pregnancy could do to a rational woman. She played that song to convince me of her love. She needn’t have worried, but I’ve always held on to it dearly.

God, I can’t believe that was so long ago. I’m sitting here now surrounded by my family, yet I feel so detached. After all these years, it still hard for me to believe that we created all this. I see our daughter Autria, now twenty-nine, looking just like her mother. She always sparkles with that long fire-tinged hair. I always knew she would take up where her mom left off. At such a young age, she is already practically running the Daystrom Institute. She says I exaggerate, but if not now, she will be head of the place in years to come. Kathryn’s love of science is fully embedded in her eldest child.

Our sons, Max and Ben, are with their sister. At twenty-five, the boys are more different than I’ve ever seen any set of twins. They both look like me with Kathryn’s ocean eyes. Max is a newlywed. He inherited his soft heart from me, falling hard in every relationship he ever had. When he met his now husband Ellis, even _I_ knew they were meant to be. Ben is working his way up the Starfleet ranks. The command track should have seen him coming decades ago. He’s determined to fill his mother’s shoes before he turns thirty. 

I could not be more proud to be their father, but the larger part of me is proud that they carry Kathryn Janeway’s genes. The world deserves to have some piece of her live on forever. It’s times like these that my connection to the spirit realm is stronger than ever. I don’t think I could survive otherwise.

“Daddy?” Autria comes to me, her sweet face trying to encourage me. “It’s time.”

She leads me into the big hall, full from wall to wall with people. I walk up the aisle with my daughter on my arm. Looking into the faces I pass, looking back at me with love, I can’t help but think about the span of my life. As we reach the front of the room, I step up onto the platform, and take my place facing the crowd. As I begin to speak, I feel Kathryn holding me to the ground.

_‘Thank you all for being here today. Kathryn would be amazed if she could see you all together. She was never one to realize just how much she was loved.’_

I cannot stop the tears that fall heavy from my eyes.

_‘My wife was… like no other being I ever met in this life, but I don’t think I have to tell you all that. She was very humble that way. That was my Kathryn, always keeping me in line with her no nonsense ways and her unconditional love. I want to start by saying a few things that speak to my wife's character. She was kind, smart, loving, and compassionate; pretty much all the good words I can think of apply to her. She was everything to me, and I miss her terribly. She knows that I loved her, but I want to express to all of you how much I loved her._

_Kathryn was a good hearted person who truly loved exploration and diplomacy. That is why she put in decades as a Starfleet Officer taking care of people who couldn't take care of themselves. Somehow in all that work and daily chaos she found time to be an amazing mother to our three children and the best wife a man could ask for. She rarely did things for herself wanting to make sure her family was happy and healthy. She never complained about her duty, she was happiest when she was working._

_Today I am a broken man, and my soulmate is gone, but I can see her in the faces of my children, and that gives me a little comfort. She never thought she would have them, so she held tightly to her babies. She always said they were the lights of her life, and her beautiful face would beam whenever she would see them or talk to them.’_

I stare into the faces of my gorgeous offspring. Their tears for their mother are like daggers in my heart. My chest burns and tightens. Kathryn, I know you’re here my love.

_‘She was beautiful both inside and out, and when she smiled at me I felt alive. I was truly blessed to have a wife who loved me and that I loved so much it hurt. I don’t know how I am going to make it without her, but I know she is up there telling me everything will be alright. I am trying to believe it my love, but it is hard without you here to keep me on track. I know that everyone here loved her and is going to miss her beautiful face as much as I do. Kathryn was inexplicably special. I have never met someone who carried the world on her shoulders, but even with her tiny body could carry it with grace. There isn’t one person here now, that hasn’t been touched by her fortitude. How she found the strength she garnered, I will never be able to fathom. I will miss her voice and hearing her say, “Good morning my love.’_

I hear her deep velvet voice in my ear.

_‘I think that she is still here within all of us. Her family, children, and friends were her life. She would do anything for her family. We all loved her dearly and there is a great deal of loss felt within those of us gathered today. My Kathryn was courageous until the end, never losing her will even on some of the most painful days. I have lost the mother to my children, my wife and support system, and most of all my best friend. I’ll see you soon sweetheart.’_

Gasps come from the crowd before me, but all I can feel is a radiant warmth. I hear the voices of my sons and daughter, but all I can see is white. When my vision begins to clear, I see bright green all around me. I shake my head to alleviate the fuzziness. Then I hear the sound of rushing water and my confusion accelerates. I close my eyes, and hear the anxious voices of my children again. I have a hard time making out what they’re saying, but they are loud and emergent. 

“Daddy! Daddy _please…_ Uncle Doc help!” Autria sounds panicked.

I shake my head again and feel a warm hand on my arm. Opening my eyes, I look down and immediately recognize the slim fingers wrapped around me.

“Hello, my love.” A tingle runs through me at the sound.

I look up to see the face of my Kathryn, just as she was on _Voyager_. She is once again the woman I see in my dreams. No longer does the passage of time show in the silver of her hair or the lines on her face. She smiles that lopsided smile that always makes me quiver and I feel the need to pinch myself.

“Don’t worry about them. We raised them to be strong, and they will carry on. They are children of _Voyagers_ , remember?”

Kathryn laughs that hearty deep-throated laugh, and my trepidation melts away. The sounds I heard before are suddenly gone and I can do nothing but follow her as she moves. I stare after her form, wrapped in a blue dress, the same color as her eyes. Familiarity takes over my conscious mind. I realize where we are as we move through the dense woods towards the sound of the rushing waters. When we reach the edge of the trees, we step out to the shore of a winding river.

“New Earth?” 

“Our permanent paradise, my love.” She says pointing to the bank opposite us.

I follow her finger, and take in the sight before me. On the other side of the river sits my large gray wolf with a gecko on her back. Next to them sit three other animals. A bear, an eagle, and a tiger. I recognize immediately that these must be the spirit animals of my children, accompanied by those of my wife and myself. It suddenly strikes me to look down, and I see my reflection in the rippling surface of the water. I am young again too. She has brought me here to stay.

“We’ll always be together.” She strokes my cheek. “So, will you stay with me?”

I look at her beautiful face and there is no question in my response. I look back once more across the river bank. For a moment my heart is heavy. But then, she takes my arm and leads me back through the woods down a beaten path. As we reach the next clearing, I see the bathtub I built for her just outside our modest home on the uninhabited planet. 

I can’t help but think of our children again, as I know how this will hurt them. Kathryn is right though, we raised them to be resilient. It will take time, but they know the love their mother and I have for each other and for them. I pray they remember what I taught them, and as they seek their own spiritual ground they will see that we are all together... _always._

“My place is forever with you.” I reach for her.

Kathryn wraps me in her arms, and I know from then on we shall exist solely immersed in our own true meaning of peace. I once again hear her song, and I know she hears it too. Her smile shines at me like a diamond in the sun. I should have always known her promise to be a lasting one.

**_If I die, I'd hope to find you in another life  
_ ** **_So we could fall again  
_ ** **_Let's be the way we were when we first began  
_ ** **_Like the first time that I ever saw you smile  
_ ** **_I want that feeling again  
_ ** **_Let's be the way we were when we first began_ **

  
  



End file.
